I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
