a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he wants to bone in the snuggie
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
