Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
