I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
