Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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