it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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