After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
