New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
