The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
