i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
