battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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