Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
