I didn't shave. On purpose
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
please don't ironically join a cult
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