when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
