Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
