shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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