the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
