So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
