So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize