Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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