My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize