He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
