this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
God I need to hump something, right now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
