im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
