My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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