Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just gargled with NyQuil
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I smell like Dick and happiness
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