Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
