There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
be right there i have to get my cape
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
