This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize