Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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