I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
