even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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