Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
