i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's shark week go big or go home
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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