I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
