Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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