would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
