I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
