just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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