i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
