from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
