Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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