you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
