i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
