why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
