I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
