I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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