I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
