the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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