She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
