so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did I show you my penis last night?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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