i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
