i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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