I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
