I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
