he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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