I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
