"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize