So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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