and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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